Mush. Room?

I am a total... mush. I don't know what to call it so I put "mush." It means I'm mushy-feely. I've always known this but I just had an overwhelming "omg, I'm a mush" moment that I just had to proclaim it. I'm a mush. A total mush. Let me share my mush moment. So I've been using adblock plus on my firefox for the longest time but recently it's been causing some issues with youtube videos. So I turned it off. So for the first time in forever I got an advertisement on youtube. It was a google chrome advertisement. For those of you who watch a lot of youtube (ads) you probably know what's coming. The Dear Sophie ad. Oh DEAR god the Dear Sophie ad.

At first I'm like, "why the hell would anyone make their e-mail address 'dear.sophie.lee'?" Isn't that something you put in the subject or some shit? Then I'm like, okay this is probably one of those silly romantic google ads like the one about meeting a girl in Paris. Then... I watch the rest. As I watch I get weird cold tingly feelings on my arms. My heart melts a little and the bridge of my nose stings as tears start to form around my eyes. At the end of it I'm sitting open mouthed going "oh... my... god..." then I get startled the fuck out as the intro to YogsCast starts playing after the ad.


If you haven't seen it and want to know what I'm talking about, here it is. Yep. That's what I almost cried to. I'm a mush.

I think I get really mushy about things regarding parents because I have a very strange relationship with mine. I love them, they love me. We both know it. After having left for university we end each call with "I love you, bye." So it's not like we're really lacking, per se. But this is a rather recent thing. As I've grown up and my parents didn't see the need to really be that rigid authority figure anymore they eased up. Also my issues with depression and having my mother attend counseling with me really helped us to bond a bit more and understand each other.

My childhood was a different story though. I grew up thinking that my parents only wanted results from me and didn't really care for me, myself. "I love you"s were near non-existent, hugs were very rare. Socializing with my parents hardly ever happened. Most of my interactions with them were when they were telling me off for being on the computer too much, or staying up too late, or not doing well enough in school. Sure, my relationship with them could have been worse and there are kids out there who go through shit I couldn't even imagine my parents doing every single day of their lives. I'm appreciative of that fact. However, knowing that doesn't stop me from wishing I had had more; wishing that my parents would have put more effort into letting me know what I meant to them; wishing they would have spent more time with me; wishing that I wasn't literally conditioned into tensing up and becoming stressed when my mom or dad approached me because it usually meant they had something negative to say to me; wishing that they'd have shown me that I had value to them as a person and not just what results I could get. Of course, in hind sight I know what their words and actions meant. I can interpret those from a different point of view now. But it won't erase the experience of going through it thinking those things.

So, yeah... I'm a mush.

....Teemo.